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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25936963">Under the Tree</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Manusa/pseuds/Manusa'>Manusa</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Crying, Mental Breakdown, Punching, Sneaking Out, Suga being diappointed, Suga being sad, cursing, insulting, self hate</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 05:48:41</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,724</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25936963</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Manusa/pseuds/Manusa</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Coach Ukai confirms that Kageyama is the setter in Karasunos starting order and Suga has to deal with it.<br/>He doesn't deal with it very well.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Under the Tree</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>TRIGGERWARNINGS</p><p>1. Mental Breakdown / Breakdown in General<br/>2. Slight Self injuring (Punching the soil)<br/>3. Insulting of yourself</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“For the Nekoma battle this will be our starting order.” Coach Ukai’s words sounded long after in my head.<br/>
I look at Kageyama, standing at the setter’s position.<br/>
I feel hope for the team, that they will actually achieve something with such a great setter.<br/>
I feel relieved to have such a talented and skilled setter up there, so it doesn’t rely on me anymore.<br/>
I am proud of my Kohai, that he already evolved so much, since Kageyama joined Karasuno that he can actually play as a setter again. Slowly fitting into the team.<br/>
I can see, that this is the right and strongest starting order Karasuno can have at this point.<br/>
I can see a future for his team.</p><p>But deep down it feels heavy. As if something is dragging me down.<br/>
I ignore the feeling.<br/>
It’s his own fault, right?<br/>
He had talked to Coach Ukai the day before. Convincing him to set up Kageyama not him.<br/>
Suga knows it’s the best.<br/>
But it hurts.</p><p>“Hey Suga?” Daichi’s voice is ripping me out of my thoughts.<br/>
“Yeah Daichi, what is it?” He smiles. No one has to know what I feel like.<br/>
Just no talking about it, then I will forget about it and continue to support Karasuno in every way possible.<br/>
“Are you alright?” Daichi sounds worried. That’s not good. He has to focus on the team.<br/>
“Oh yeah, I am alright don’t worry. Excited for the Nekoma match tomorrow? Finally playing against Nekoma again.” I force to smile brightly.<br/>
Smile away the pain.<br/>
Smiling away doubts that try to get into my head.<br/>
I need to function. I can’t drag anyone down because I want to be on the court.<br/>
It’s the best player who gets there.<br/>
I just need to get better, right?</p><p>I can see that Daichi isn’t really buying what I said, but he doesn’t question it further.<br/>
He probably knows what is going on.<br/>
We worked for this to happen since our first year.<br/>
Staying longer. Getting extra practice in.<br/>
Building up a team which finally has a motivation to go to nationals again.<br/>
We finally have this.<br/>
Just.<br/>
Just without me.</p><p>I have to swallow.<br/>
It’s hard to control myself. But I can do it. No one should ever see what I really feel like.<br/>
I am glad for them to have such a strong team. </p><p>Luckily Coach announced the starting order at the end of practice, so no one notices that I am a little bit off with my thoughts.<br/>
Shimizu already awaits us with our dinner.<br/>
Everyone is excited, talking about what Nekoma will be like. If we can do it.<br/>
I just sit there and watch them talking.<br/>
Not eating much, since I aren’t really hungry.<br/>
Too heavy is the feeling of embarrassment, guilt and judging.</p><p>“Hey Suga, are you sure you are alright?”<br/>
“Yeah, Daichis right, you seem to be somewhere else than here.” Great. Now Daichi and Asahi try to find out about him. Is he this bad at hiding?<br/>
“Oh no, don’t worry, practice was just really hard today, and I stayed up so long yesterday to create some hand signs. So I am just really tired and rather listen to conversations at the moment.”<br/>
“Oh okay, please don’t overwork yourself Suga, okay? We need our Setter fresh and with a working mind.”<br/>
“Yeah don’t worry Daichi, I’ll be fit tomorrow.” He grins.</p><p> </p><p>Laying on my futon with eyes wide open.<br/>
Starring into the black of night.<br/>
Just hearing a silent snoring from across the room.<br/>
He can see the starting order again.</p><p>He can see Kageyama standing there on the court with his best friends.<br/>
Standing where he was supposed to be.<br/>
The embarrassment is bubbling up again.<br/>
Slowly rising.<br/>
I can feel a lump in my throat.<br/>
I clench my fist.<br/>
I can’t break down here. Everyone will hear me.<br/>
What will they think of me?<br/>
I am their Senpai!<br/>
Clenching my teeth. Forcefully holding back my tears.<br/>
Trying to make no sound.<br/>
Shutting my eyes in hope to fall asleep.</p><p>But the first hot tear gets their way out of my eye.<br/>
Slowly streaking down on my face until it reaches the futon and disappears.<br/>
More tears follow.</p><p>I try my best to jump up, with barely any sound.<br/>
I have to get out of here before I lose control.<br/>
I have to get out of here before anyone notices.<br/>
This can’t be happening.</p><p>Slowly trying to open the door, closing it again.<br/>
Running down the hallway to the entrance.<br/>
Getting out into the nature.<br/>
Dropping down beneath a tree and breaking with a loud sob.<br/>
I can feel the hot tears streaming down my cheeks.<br/>
My breathing is getting rapid and I start to choke on air.<br/>
Just curling myself together under the tree.<br/>
Crying.<br/>
Not being able to have a clear thought anymore.<br/>
Everything that had built up since the revealing of positions is getting out at once.<br/>
I can feel my body shaking, my wet face.<br/>
My body starting to overheat, sweat.<br/>
I am unable to do anything against it, my body won’t listen to me anymore.<br/>
My arms are wrapped around my legs pulling them closer and closer, trying to find comfort in a hug.</p><p>Slowly my choking turns back to fast breathing.<br/>
My body has no energy left. Letting go of my legs, just dropping on my back.</p><p>Why am I not good enough?<br/>
I trained for this so long. I was so excited when our third years left because I was finally able to actually play as a setter. Finally being on the court next to Daichi and Asahi.<br/>
We entered this club together. Build it up from scratch.<br/>
Got new motivation into our players, we finally have an amazing team.<br/>
But now I can’t play with them?<br/>
Because I am not good enough?<br/>
Because I failed as setter.<br/>
I am a third year and a problematic first year is better than me. Getting my place without a second thought.<br/>
What am I doing wrong? I have no chance. I will just be forgotten.<br/>
WHY AM I SUCH A BAD SETTER?!</p><p>Anger is flooding me.<br/>
Anger that Kageyama just came around and became the new setter.<br/>
Anger that I am such a miserable failure and can’t even compete with a first year.<br/>
Anger that I blame others while this is all my fault.<br/>
Blind of Anger I start punching the grass.</p><p>One – Two – Three – Four punches. Why am I so bad?!<br/>
Five – Six – Seven – Eight - Why did I tell Ukai to choose Kageyama?! I KNEW he’s the best one.<br/>
Nine – Ten –Eleven – Twelve - Why can’t I control myself? This is useless. Everything is useless. I should be sleeping and being fit tomorrow in the rare case I can play.</p><p>I set another strong punch into the grass and drop down, sobbing.<br/>
“Why can’t I just be happy for them? Why am I this jealous? I am a horrible person.”<br/>
Tears are flooding my face again, mixing up with the dirt from the ground.</p><p>I am pathetic. I am just pathetic and wallowing in self-pity.<br/>
I slowly feel that my hands start hurting.<br/>
I feel disgusting.<br/>
Wet with tears and sweat.<br/>
Dirty from the ground.<br/>
Everything is itchy.</p><p>But I don’t care.<br/>
I only see how pathetic I am. To start crying about something that is my own fault.<br/>
I should have practiced more the last years.<br/>
Should have given more than my all. It’s all my fault that I am not on the court.<br/>
Nishinoya was right.<br/>
Only the strong ones are allowed on the court. And I am definitely not strong.<br/>
Just look at me being small, barely having any muscles. Not really an amazing stamina.<br/>
Not being able to set the ball as accurate as Kageyama.</p><p>It’s better if they don’t have to depend on someone like me.<br/>
Last time they depended on me we lost against Dateko.<br/>
I send all the balls to Asahi. Just letting him fight against the wall.<br/>
Exhausting him that he wasn’t able to fight until the end. It broke him, because I wasn’t a good enough setter.<br/>
I got scared. Didn’t know what else to do than sending our ace.<br/>
What kind of Setter just constantly set to only one person?<br/>
Its better they have Kageyama now. He knows what to do. He can read the game better.<br/>
He can control the ball better, has a better stamina. Has probably even more experience on the court than me.<br/>
His social skills are getting better.<br/>
Karasuno doesn’t need me as a setter.</p><p>But if they don’t need me as a setter. Then I will life up to my role as Vice-Captain.<br/>
I have to. That’s everything I have left now.<br/>
I will take care of them.<br/>
I need to help them to achieve what Daichi, Asahi and I have been fighting for these past years.<br/>
Even if I am not on the court. I need to do my duty and not cry under a tree in self-pity.</p><p>I pick myself up again and slowly go back to our house.<br/>
On my way back to our sleeping room I remember how filthy and disgusting I am and turn around again to go to the bathrooms.<br/>
At least trying to get cleaned up a bit.<br/>
Running the fresh water over my arms and splashing it into my face is really refreshing and gives me back my mental capacity.<br/>
It gets clearer for me, that I will support our team in the upcoming year in every possible way I can.<br/>
I might not be on the court.<br/>
But I will be with them and we will fight together.</p><p>I am rubbing my arms and face dry and go back to our sleeping room, carefully laying down and trying to wake no one up.<br/>
I role on my side and stare into the dark when I suddenly feel a strong hand on my shoulder.</p><p>It has to be Daichis.<br/>
He may not say anything.<br/>
But I know what he wants to say, and what he means.<br/>
He will be by my side and support me with the team.<br/>
I lightly tap his hand as a thank you and he takes it away.</p><p>I am glad to have such a great Captain and Friend by my side.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So this was always kind of my Headcanon for Suga.<br/>That he doesn't show it, but that he is in fact really upset about not being the starting setter and breaks down about it.<br/>Alone, crying and no one is allowed to know about it, because no one should worry about him.</p><p>Please tell me what you think about this!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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